Here's how overthinking and negative self-talk are holding you back in your conversations

Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation in your head long after it's ended, wishing you had said something differently or worrying about how the other person perceived you?

Or maybe you've struggled to find the right words in a conversation, leaving you feeling frustrated and self-conscious?

Engaging in conversations is something we all do pretty much every day, whether it’s talking to friends, family, colleagues or even strangers. If you wish you could approach conversations with more confidence and communicate more effectively, you’re not alone.

Have you ever considered that the root of the problem may not be specifically related to your communication skills, but rather your thought patterns?

In my work as a Speech and Language Therapist and Communication Coach, I often notice the extent to which overthinking, negative self-talk and anxiety can create difficulties with communication. It doesn’t matter whether or not you have a specific communication impairment, such as a stammer, lisp or neurological impairment, these thought patterns can affect anyone’s communication.

In this article, we’ll dive into the ways in which overthinking and negative self-talk might be holding you back in your conversations with others.

But before we get into that, let's take a closer look at what overthinking and negative self-talk actually are.

Experts suggest we have somewhere between 6000 and 70,000 thoughts every single day.

‘Overthinking’ can be described as the mental chatter in our minds going into overdrive. It can lead to repetitive thoughts that make your mind spin like a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere. Our brains are ‘problem-solving machines’, always trying to work in our favour to figure out how to get what we want and avoid what we don’t want. This can be useful in certain situations. But when these thoughts don’t have an off-switch, or are very negative or repetitive, it can cause problems.

Negative self-talk is when your inner dialogue gives you constant negative feedback such as “you can’t communicate as well as others”, “why did you say that?!” and “people are judging you”. It’s like having a well-meaning friend in your head who wants the best for you, but expresses it in unhelpful ways.

Anxiety is often a common underlying factor in negative self-talk and overthinking. Whilst anxiety is a natural response to stressful situations, it can really hold us back when it comes to communication. When we feel anxious, our limbic system, the part of our brain responsible for our emotional responses, kicks into overdrive. This can trigger the fight, flight or freeze responses, which make it even more difficult to think clearly, express ourselves and listen carefully. It’s normal to experience these symptoms without necessarily having an anxiety disorder, although people with social anxiety or other anxiety diagnoses may experience the difficulties discussed in this article to a greater extent.

Overthinking, negative self-talk and anxiety can lead to a vicious cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that can have a massive impact on communication.

In my free guide I explain this vicious cycle in further detail, including 15 tips to help you break free from the cycle.

So let’s dive into some of the difficulties you may be experiencing with communication and how your thinking patterns may be causing these symptoms.

Predicting worst-case scenarios

Overthinking and negative self-talk often involves making negative predictions about things that could happen and imagining the worst possible outcomes.

Before or during conversations, this may sound like:

“What if I say the wrong thing?”

“What if I don’t know the answer?”

“What if I look stupid?”

When self-doubt kicks in and reminds you of all the times you’ve messed up before, you convince yourself that you’re not going to be able to communicate well in an upcoming social interaction.

But because your mind isn’t great at recognising the difference between real and imagined experiences, you can start to find yourself feeling anxious based on these dreamt up versions of reality.

This is where self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play. If you walk into a work meeting, a social gathering or a Zoom call already telling yourself you’re going to mess up, chances are you’re already starting to experience physical symptoms of anxiety, and your thought patterns are setting you up for these predictions to become true.

Avoiding conversations or social interactions

Fear is often at the core of overthinking and negative self-talk.

In the context of communication, this is often a fear of being judged negatively by others.

This fear of judgement can lead to avoidance. Avoidance might involve holding back from initiating a conversation even though you’d like to talk to someone. You may find yourself turning down invitations to events or social interactions, or making excuses to avoid them.

Avoidance is a safety behaviour, an action you take to protect yourself from social danger – in this case, avoiding being in a position where you feel exposed and at risk of being judged.

The problem with avoidance is that every time you turn down an invitation, or don’t speak up, you’re strengthening your belief that you’re not a good communicator and don’t perform well in social situations.

What’s more, your world becomes smaller and less enjoyable when you avoid conversations that could be rewarding, fulfilling and help you to connect more deeply with others.

Playing small and minimising your visibility

‘Hiding behaviours’ are a more diluted form of avoidance. These are things you may do to aim to minimise any anxiety symptoms and control the impression you’re making.

For example, you may find yourself holding back within a conversation, providing minimal contributions, and avoiding expressing your thoughts and feelings.

You might even hold yourself differently, with a more stooped or hunched posture, and avoiding eye contact, in an attempt to make yourself smaller and less visible.

Whilst these behaviours may be less extreme than avoiding social interactions altogether, they also affect how you present yourself in interactions and how you feel about yourself afterwards. They stop you from bringing your true, authentic self into your conversations. This can prevent people from being able to get to know you and leaving you feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.

Using hiding behaviours can also take a great deal of effort which can reduce your ability to stay present in a conversation.

 

Difficulty putting your thoughts into words

So many of my clients tell me…

“I’m not as articulate as other people”

“I’m just not good at putting my thoughts into words and explaining myself”.

This usually increases when speaking in more anxiety-inducing situations, such as during a first date, a high pressure meeting at work or when speaking to someone in a perceived position of authority.

When you find yourself stuck in overthinking cycles, this can affect the functioning of the pre-frontal cortex, the part of your brain that’s responsible for emotional, cognitive and language functions. We need these areas working together as well as possible for effective communication. When you’re too focused on how you’re being judged, or how you might mess up, it reduces your brain’s capacity to actually consider what you want to say and how to express yourself clearly.

As a result, you may notice that your mind goes blank, you lose your train of thought, or you struggle to think of the right words. This can be frustrating and embarrassing, which only fuels the overthinking and negative self-talk.

 

Difficulty listening and staying present

Negative thinking patterns can also reduce your ability to listen actively and stay present during conversations. It’s near impossible to fully engage with others when your mind is preoccupied with your own thoughts and worries.

When you’re too busy internally criticising yourself or worrying about how you’re coming across to the other person, it’s difficult to really tune into what they’re saying. You may miss important details or cues, leading to misunderstandings.

If you haven’t been concentrating on what the other person has said, it can be difficult to know how to respond appropriately. You may even find yourself blurting out something you didn’t mean, or responding in a way that’s more blunt or abrupt than you intended.

In addition, these negative thinking patterns can limit your ability to be spontaneous and authentic in your communication. If you find yourself focusing too much on planning and analysing your words, aiming to present the best version of yourself to avoid being judged, you may end up feeling misunderstood and as though others don’t see or appreciate the real ‘you’.

Difficulty staying present and focused within a conversation reduces the ability to build a connection with the other person, which likely means you are more likely to both leave the conversation feeling unfulfilled.

 

Physical changes to your speech and voice

As a result of fear of being judged by others, you may experience symptoms of anxiety. These can cause physical changes to the parts of your body used for speech and voice production.

You may hold extra tension in your larynx (voice box) and your breathing may become more shallow and fast. These can have an impact on the quality of your voice and the fluency of your speech. You may feel like you have a ‘frog in your throat’ or notice that your voice has become croaky or shaky.

You may find your mouth and throat become dry, affecting the clarity of your articulation.

If your thoughts are racing, you may find the speed of your speech increases in an attempt to keep up. As a result you may stumble over your words or find yourself stammering, as it’s far more difficult to articulate words accurately at high speed.

These symptoms can be even more pronounced if you already have a condition that affects your communication abilities.

If you notice these symptoms mid-conversation, the negative self-talk is likely to increase. You may find yourself increasing your focus on these changes in your communication and feeling increasingly self-conscious.

If the other person mishears you and asks you to repeat what you’ve said, this may cause you to slip further into the negative thought cycles, and convincing yourself that you’re not a good communicator.

 

Overanalysing conversations and social interactions

Overanalysing a conversation after it has happened can involve you focusing on any part of the interaction that you feel was less successful.

You can find yourself thinking “I wish I hadn’t said that!” or “what must they think of me?” and replaying the conversation in your mind, thinking of all the things you wish you’d said or done differently.

This is called ‘rumination’; getting stuck in repetitive thought cycles about things that are out of your control, particularly things that have happened in the past. It’s like the brain is stuck in ‘problem-solving overdrive’. Not only is this ineffective, but it places a huge drain on your time, energy and attention and is likely to leave you feeling worse.

 

Creating a negative inner narrative about your communication

Remember your mind is always trying to make sense of things. As a result of all the points described above, it’s easy to find yourself creating a narrative about yourself as a communicator:

‘I’m a bad communicator’

‘I can’t express myself like others can’

‘I’m so awkward’

’People don’t understand me’

’I’m always offending people, they think I’m rude, I should just keep quiet’.

Unfortunately, our brains have a tendency to pay much more attention to negative experiences, information and emotions in comparison to positive ones. This is known as the ‘negativity bias’. But focusing only on the negative aspects can lead to a lack of confidence in your communication abilities.

As a result, you may dread future conversations or social interactions. You may find yourself increasing the avoidance or hiding behaviours you use, in an attempt to protect yourself from being judged.

The consequences of overthinking, negative self-talk and anxiety on your personal and professional relationships

The impact of these thinking patterns can be far-reaching because the ability to communicate effectively and confidently is so important for satisfaction and fulfilment in all areas of life.

You may feel held back from being able to secure a promotion at work, enjoy social events or express your true feelings with the people you care about. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a lack of connection and fulfilment.

If you can recognise any of these patterns in your own communication, the good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way!

My work focuses on improving your relationship with your inner voice so that you can approach all conversations with confidence and present the best version of yourself. As a result, you can start focusing your attention on what really matters and live the life you want, no longer held back by your communication.

You can read more about my Communication Coaching services here.

If this was helpful, subscribe to my newsletter. I’ll keep you updated when I add new blog posts like this and will send more useful communication content directly into your inbox!

You’ll also receive a copy of my free guide: How to communicate feeling calm, confident and in control.

I promise not to spam you and you can unsubscribe at any time!